Alleged U.S. Spy Ryan Fogle: Covert Agent or Simple Jack?

Obviously Russian authorities haven’t seen Tropic Thunder.

Alleged U.S. Spy in Russia Ryan Fogle

Alleged U.S. Spy in Russia Ryan Fogle

I'm not a sp-sp-sp-spy!

I’m not a sp-sp-sp-spy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE: It appears that he was dressed as straw-haired Simple Jack. ContainsEggs.com regrets the error.

SimpleJackSpyVsSpy

Now on the Burger King Value Menu: The Mr. Edible. BK admits serving horse Whoppers

Thank you, thank you, Burger King, for delivering this gem of relentless comedy today. We now amuse ourselves:

  • Burger King launches new soup menu with the introduction of Seattle Stew 
  • New on the Burger King breakfast menu: Sausage, egg and Seabiscuit
  • The Whopper will now be referred to as the Whiiiilllburrr
  • Now available for a limited time at Burger King: The Filly Cheesesteak
  • A Whopper’s a horse, of course, of course… 
  • Just announced that Burger King will replace old buns with a new product they’re calling Thorough Bread
  • I’m LOVING the new Quiniela Box meals from Burger King
  • Just had a delicious Burger King salad with a side of ranch dressage

 

 

Bill Clinton in Drag Says Be Careful and Courteous at Crosswalks

Pedestrian:

I understand that you have the right of way when walking through a crosswalk in a parking lot. Safety and general courtesy dictate that I stop and wait for you to safely cross before driving my vehicle ahead.

This reality does not bestow upon you some shopping center royalty status. It does not demand or even reasonably suggest that you assume a posture of indignant superiority. We, car drivers, counted you among our ranks just moments before. It’s preposterous for you to glare at us in smug, wordless defiance, daring us to violate the Universal Law of Pedestrian Preeminence and enter the crosswalk as you pass.

Just walk across the damned road. Maybe even pick it up a step while courteous drivers wait for you.

Most importantly, heed the lesson of this fascinating digital animation of Bill Clinton in a dress being mowed down by an Audi at a crosswalk: No matter who is “right,” you will lose an inevitable battle with a car. This cautionary clip, set to a somehow appropriate wocka-chocka Cinemax soft porn soundtrack, vividly illustrates the point. Warning: This clip includes a graphic depiction of the tragically debilitating medical trauma condition known as “firefly head.”

There’s a New Kid in Talons: Eagles Snatching Babies!

Making its way around Twitter tonight. This is the best video we have ever seen.

 

This also inspired other Eagles/baby snatching lyrics:

  • “I get a peaceful, easy feelin’ / And I know you won’t let me down / Cause I snatched up your baby off the ground”
  • “Somebody’s gonna hurt someone before the night is through / Some bird is gonna snatch your son / There’s nothin’ you can do”
  • “Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky / You can see how far your toddler will take flight”
  • “And still those babies are snatched up from far away / They pick them up in the middle of their flight, cause they’re birds of prey”

UPDATE: I so wanted to believe. Something never looked quite right, but invested hope and optimism that we could all unite in the majesty of the baby snatching eagle. Alas, my dreams are dashed yet again.

Late Hope for Newt Gingrich: Polls Say He Would Leap 17 Points if He Changed His Name to “Nate Goonbritches”

OK, we thought this was funnier a month ago when Newt was still a feasibly viable GOP candidate. But having grown up in Atlanta, we have a special appreciation for Newt’s charms, most notably that his name sounds like a McDonaldland character. We were duly inspired to consider other, more electable names for Newt Gingrich:

  • Nerp Gefiltefish
  • Nude Jockitch
  • Goob Nosetwitch
  • Snoop Blingbitch
  • Flute Tangbridge
  • Noony Pringlecrunch
  • Ned Ditchwitch
  • Noob Ostrich
  • Nerf Lightswitch
  • Norb Clamwich
  • Molly Ringwald

Abe Lincoln Sells Two Tickets to the Musket Show

Sometimes moderately funny things become impossibly hilarious to me. So is the case with Ab Lincoln, an errant typographical moniker assigned to our 16th president by a colleague in a recent email. The author intended to inspire and energize the corporate troops with a quote from Abe Lincoln, but the clumsy motivational metaphor fell flat, in no small part because he attributed the day’s wisdom to “Ab” Lincoln.

Typos are funny in a way similar to videos of people obliviously stumbling into fountains at the mall while texting. It’s the kind of unintentional, non-malicious, disproportionately embarrassing act that we quietly laugh at when others do it and simmer in frustrated shame when we do it ourselves.

And Abe Lincoln is our most consistently comedic historical figure (although I rally for Rasputin). Saturday Night Live recognized this years ago when Abe Lincoln showed up to call Tom Hanks “an incredible pussy” during the opening monologue. And Conan O’Brien (who likely wrote the Hanks skit back in his SNL days) has long appreciated the comedy versatility of Abe.

So, yes, “Ab” Lincoln made me laugh. It conjured images of Honest Ab, with a glistening washboard torso usually only seen in magazine shoots of Twilight stars and favorable imaginations of a super-lightweight division boxing champion Jesus Christ. And what would a ripped cabin builder and super-motivational orator do? Open Ab Lincoln’s Fitness Emporium, that’s what! Fortunately, I work with a talented designer who helped realize this vision.