I just caught up on episode eight of Justified’s fifth season. My question: How much longer can we abide Michael Rapaport’s preposterous southern accent? It is so conspicuously laughable that it becomes a distracting focal point of every episode he’s in. The plot from this week’s episode crackled, with Boyd convincing Yoon and Ruiz that his crew could make the dead bodies in the Mexican desert go away. A midnight desert showdown with corrupt Mexican police followed. Misdirection led Boyd and crew to escape with their heroin intact, yet also teased a showdown between Rapaport’s Daryl Crowe and Boyd.
And yet…there’s this:
This is just one example, and not nearly the most egregious one. It’s like needle scratch stops the action every time he utters a line.
There’s not much I could add to Matt Barone’s excellent breakdown of Rapaport’s dreadful drawl on Complex.com. I just hate that Justified swung and missed so spectacularly in casting Rapaport in the first place.
I’ve enjoyed so many of the seasonal or multiple episode character arcs on Justified. Margo Martindale was brilliant in season two, winning an Emmy as Mags Bennett. Neal McDonough was fantastic in his role as Detroit bad guy Robert Quarles (those smarmy Cadillac commercials notwithstanding). I loved Patton Oswalt’s turn as the wannabe cop. The show cast Jere Burns perfectly as Duffy, with a surgery-altered joker face that suits his role. It’s like his face is its own character. (And frankly, his pinned-back, thin-eyed, bad-after-picture appearance probably makes him uncastable for many roles.)
And I’m actually on board with the story lines this season. I like the tension between Art and Raylan. I like the uncomfortable coexistence of the Florida Crowes in the Kentucky backwoods. Joelle Carter manages to make Ava engaging even amid a somewhat tedious Women in Prison subplot. And Art’s showdown in the diner earlier this season is one of my favorite scenes in the entire series run. But Rapaport’s clanging performance as Daryl is derailing the season for me.
Bonus Boyd Crowder aside: The outstanding Walt Goggins briefly attended my high school in the northwest Atlanta suburb of Smyrna. (Julia Roberts went there too. Go figure.) I just discovered today that Goggins used to leave notes in my friend’s mailbox notifying her that she smells nice. For the record, she does smell quite lovely.
The band No from Los Angeles performed on a repeat of Carson Daly’s show last night. Loved the songs, had a Nick Cave heart to them. But, the combover/combaround? Just say, you know, No.
I’m just surprised it took 40 years for a band to come up with the common sense answer to the band Yes
And now that I’ve taken a dickish, gratuitous jab at his hair gymnastics, let me at least have the decency of sharing some of the band’s music. Here is the full clip of the original interview with No on Last Call back in November, followed by an excellent live performance of the song “Leave the Door Wide Open”:
And here is a produced video for an older song, “Stay With Me.” The video is a bunch of preposterous nonsense, but the song ain’t bad at all.
Have we just given up completely on language? It’s troubling enough that people are buying their meals from the Pizza Hut counter at Target, where pizzas and pasta mingle alongside moist glistening hot dogs. But do the Pizza Hut folks really think it sounds cooler to the kids to say they want to “Plus Up” their meals? ”I’m wanna plus up my food box with breadsticks.”
Change My Pitch Up! Plus My Sticks Up!
I can only imagine the phrases that missed the cut in these marketing meetings:
- I’d like to “More On!” my meal with some Cinnamon Crust Nuggets.
- Let me “Extra Do” that pizza with another, larger pizza on top.
- Could I “Barf Include” a side of Pepperoni Pods?
- And I’ll give mine some “Fatitude” with quadruple cheese and cheese.
- Sure, I’ll “Go All Insulin” with the Alfredo Keg.
Now watch John Mulaney decide between salad or fries.
I’ve heard and seen bits of John Mulaney’s stand up routines over the past few years, but I finally downloaded the full “New In Town” performance last week. Immediately one of my top full-length stand up shows of all time. Like George Carlin, Chris Rock, Mitch Hedberg kind of all time. He’s just spectacular at building a funny idea into a huge comedy payoff. He crafts his material meticulously, such that each routine has a cadence that evokes big laughs while carrying the story somewhere we’re all eager to follow next.
So, yesterday Twitter told my brain something wonderful: Mulaney just finished taping the even has Lorraine Bracco and Penny Marshall, for fuck’s sake. Please, please gods of comedy and television, make this show as great as it should be. Don’t erode away the things that make Mulaney so funny in the first place in an effort to make him “more relatable” for “maximum demographic draw.”
In the meantime, here are two excellent Mulaney clips from “New In Town.” They are not completely ruined by Comedy Central’s shitty site, which is full of commercials, clips edited several minutes too short, and bleeped dirty words.
UPDATE: Wow, and Comedy Central’s embed code also blows. Here are “links” to the clips:
Ice-T on Law and Order SVU
Get the paddy wagon
The Huffington Post headline “Taco Bell Drops Breakfast Bombshell” seems prescient, here.
Coming Soon: The Taco Bell Breakfast Nacho-Lax!
When I was about 25, some friends and I planned to raft down the Chattahoochee River. It’s not like white water rafting; it’s a lazy beer guzzling float down a stretch of the river north Atlanta.
You must have at least one life jacket for each person in your raft. You don’t have to wear them, you just have to have them with you in the raft. The park rangers love to write pricey tickets for non-compliance.
So, I had the task of obtaining some cheap life preservers for the group. I went to the K-Mart nearby. In the outdoors section they indeed had the standard issue orange life preservers. Except they were all children’s sizes. But since all you have to do is hold them up to show the rangers when they ask, it didn’t really matter what size they were. They’d never know the difference.
I had one other item I needed to get on this shopping trip, which I grabbed on the way through the store.
So, checkout time. I dropped seven children’s day-glo orange life preservers on the belt. And a box of 12 condoms. (I was ambitious and optimistic at 25.) Only at this moment did the incongruous pairing of these items occur to me. The checkout guy gave me a legitimate what-the-fuck look, and I looked right at him and said, “Be Prepared.”