I didn’t realize John Hodgman was doing commercials all the way back in 1970

OK, the guy in this ad just reminded me of him, but obviously advertisers have relied on the nebbish everydork to sell products for generations.

I’m more fascinated that even in 1970, advertisers would’ve found this message effective. To summarize: “Even if you’re a greasy putz, you can kick sand on your nerd girl and pick up hot beach bikini pussy instead. Dodge Charger.”

Although, as we’ve noted here before, marketers still like to appeal directly to the grunty inner male sex panther. The folks who make Axe products for men bring it as shamelessly and offensively as anyone, as in this ad for Axe Rape-is-Her-Fault Chest Wax.

Axe applies the same pot-clanging subtlety to its packaging. I took this picture in a Target the other day:

Gargle with it and she'll let you do butt things

Gargle with it and she’ll let you do butt things

The sassy silhouette says it all: “Axe it up tonight and get 33% more HOT LADIES!”

Also, this particular flavor of Axe Shower Gel is called SHOCK (all caps mandatory).

Which invites the tagline: “Our SHOCK isn’t toxic, at least not in that way.”

There is another Axe variety called ANARCHY. Here too, the message is clear: “It’s lawless here in Pussytown, fellas. When you’re soaked in Axe Torso Dip, civil order disintegrates and your fat wagging meat is the only law the ladies bow down to.”

It’s easy to make fun of this mentality in men’s marketing, but Axe and similar Neadveristers probably have a point. Men are simple creatures; we are not clever. Axe could save a lot of money on broadcast advertising by just sending female field marketers into stores to thwap us over the head with a mallet and tickle our balls a little bit. We’ll buy anything you’re selling. AXE!

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