Rock Classics Revisited: Def Leppard Dismantles Your Soul in a Single Verse

I was with friends at the pool recently and Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages came on Pandora. We laughed at how rapidly the opening verse accelerates from a jovial rally of communal kinship to a dystopian carnival of anarchic despair in a matter of seconds. Here’s the verse, reconsidered:

“Rise up, gather round”

[Hey, this sounds fun! Everyone’s getting together for a party! Maybe it’s a bonfire, or a big singalong! Please please let them have s’mores! Gosh, I hope I’m not overdressed. I hate when I stand out in a crowd with new people!]

“Rock this place to the ground”

[A rock and roll show? That sounds kinda edgy for a school night, but what the hey! I work hard and I deserve to loosen the old buttons and live a little now and then. Better watch out for this booty, cause it’s gonna be doing some shakin’!]

“Burn it up, let’s go for broke”

[I do not like the direction this is heading, not one single bit mister. I didn’t sign up for some wild ruckus of violence and destruction. Moral people have boundaries, and you’re not gonna push me past mine just to impress a few hipsters and toughs. Count me out of your dark nihilism!]

“Watch the night go up in smoke”

[His hollow obsidian wells gassed and choked my soul like a poison. I knew this was the algid gaze of the devil himself, yet I followed him with willing, consuming desperation. A pulse of savagery swelled to the surface of my skin, at once of ice and fire like an untraveled tundra set spontaneously ablaze. I cannot unsee the bleak horrors of mortal hell he led me to that day, but God’s mercy upon those who find his immortal grasp. And God’s mercy on you, Joe Elliot.]

Listeria on a Stick! The Chocolate Wonderfall at Golden Corral. And Oasis Reunites!

Golden Corral apparently has bought a 2012-GOP-presidential-candidate-sized block of television airtime to advertise its new Chocolate Wonderfall, a provocatively unsanitary bubbling cascade of gooey brown bacteria. The idea: Patrons submerge berries, cookies and other confections on sticks in the flowing chocolate, and then, apparently, consume them. (Fondon’t! Fondon’t!)

The commercials seem to run incessantly now, especially on the cable news channels:


There exists no doubt that this chocolate waterfall will trigger a much more violent chocolate waterfall later. Can you conceive of a more disgusting buffet line concept than this geyser of gastrointestinal distress? A churning wellspring of warm, sticky dessert syrup continuously attracting and recycling torrents of sneeze juice, dust and child germs?

And maybe a half of a second will pass from when a five-year old lays her eyes on this until she sticks her doll’s head into the chocolate sugar lava. Don’t just take our word for it; here’s the top comment on the YouTube post of the first commercial, which made us laugh until we cried when reading it aloud:

“So I went to a golden corral today, and I tried this out. Right as I dipped my marshmallow into it, some little kid reached over the little metal railing and just stuck his whole hand into it…”

And the Golden Corral reply to the comment offers scant solace:

“We strive to provide the best possible customer experience for all of our guest [sic]. However, with something as popular as this it is difficult to catch everything.”

Gaaahh! I just took a shower after reading that. This from a restaurant with a history of serving up the all-you-can-e coli buffet. And don’t forget the salmonella special right here in Georgia a few years back.

You’d think that such a track record would inspire tremendous caution with food safety and public health. Or maybe Golden Corral just realizes that the American buffet-going public has a short collective memory and an unrelenting lust for novelty, chocolate sauce and type-2 diabetes. Bacteria be damned! These patrons in a follow-up commercial certainly seem excited:


I hope that guy’s cowboy hat can catch some barf.

Finally, in an important aside, our good friend Tim O’Shea of Talking With Tim pointed out on Facebook that there is an inevitable advertising tie-in for the band Oasis. What better reason for them to reunite than to promote the Golden Corral Chocolate Wonderfall? After all, both the band and the Chocolate Wonderfall recycle things that were once good (Beatles songs, chocolate) and turn them into horrible abominations that send us running for the toilet. We close with some lyrics from the Oasis hit “Wonderwall,” reworked for Golden Corral:

Today is gonna be a day that you’re probably gonna spew
By now, you surely feel foul
From the chunks you inevitably blew
I can’t conceive how anybody
Eats that chocolate goo that’s trickling down

Yet maybe, after eating steak and gravy
You’ll heed the call, of Chocolate Wonderfall

Ana Gasteyer’s Quest for Justice and Other Important News