As we observed tonight’s three-hour time-release Ambien awards show:

• Breaking News: French filmmakers surrender Oscars for The Artist.
• Really? Jethro Tull wins for best actress? Come on!
• Last victim on the death reel? The Oscars.
• Breaking News: Nick Nolte responds to his inclusion in the Oscar death reel.
• What a shocking twist that M. Night Shyamalan directed The Artist. Did not see that coming.
• The Oscars suck and celebrities are stupid and not funny and we’re the real stars on Twitter and I’m sad now and going to bed. 😦
• I just hope Angelina makes it through the Death Reel.
• That’s awesome that Bret Michaels won. Poison Forever!
• They really need to kill some celebrities in live time during the “In Memoriam” to pick things up tonight.
• I’m starting to think Nicolas Cage totally deserved his Oscar, and probably a couple more. #FireGhostWeirdSuckStillInTheaters
• I can’t wait until Nick Nolte sings The Gambler.
• I can’t WAIT for Billy Crystal to star in the Golden Girls movie reboot.
• Is this Occupy Wall Street? I’m so confused.
• Is the Academy mad at us? What did we do to deserve this?
• Oh thank god for this Wizard of Oz focus group. #Redemption
• It’s so cool that ABC broadcast this rehearsal of the Oscars.
• I can’t believe they’ve let Chris Brown perform two montages. #DontForget
• That’s true of so many important moments in my life. / RT @aimeemann: Watching the Oscars. Justin Bieber is the highlight so far.
• I’ve never been more excited about the NBA.
• Is this CSPAN?
• Did anyone else catch that glimpse of Nick Nolte tongue kissing Leonard Nimoy in the balcony?
• Whitney Houston died for this?
• Hey, when does this Billy Crystal infomercial end and the Oscars(TM) start?
• Don’t be so sure./ RT @thesulk The Oscars may suck but at least they won’t end with Tom Brady on his ass.
• Woody Harrelson kicked ASS in the Slam Dunk contest last night. #Oscars #NBAAllStars
• Surprising choice to have Nick Nolte sing the national anthem to kick things off. #Oscars
• Albert Nobbs is a man? Come on!
• RT @aimeenancygrace I’m sitting down at Safeway eating a peanut butter sandwich because I’m hypoglycemic. #Oscars
• Kelly Osbourne’s hair is the color of ditto ink from when I was in elementary school. #FewPeopleWillGetThis #AhhhhTheSmell
• Melanie Griffin looks like the old sunbathing woman from Something About Mary