I overheard a guy at the food counter in a Target ask the girl working there, “Are those hot dogs recent? Because sometimes they’re not a good after they’ve been in there too long.”
I’m sorry, sir, but you forfeited your right to be discriminating when you chose to eat that sweaty processed meat baton glowing on the roller grill at Target. You can’t eat hot dogs from Target and also be a foodie. “Yes, are those hot dogs made with pure corn-fed beef? Do they have any fillers or preservatives that might cause harm to my good health and digestion? Could you please trace the nutritional pedigree of those glistening filler and flesh wands? Please just humor me with this appeal to dignity in my hour of desperation.”
This also reminded me of Patton Oswalt’s brilliant assault on the collective retreat from dignity known as the KFC Famous Bowl, probably his most famous stand up routine:
Less well known, but possibly even funnier, is the follow up routine he did following the launch of the KFC Double Down sandwich, with bacon, cheese, gravy, the Colonel’s Secret Sauce (!) and despair all jammed between two fried chicken breasts instead of buns (sorry no video–has anyone seen a clip of this?):
Extra super bonus: This interview with Oswalt on independent station WFMU, in which a caller from Omaha first makes Oswalt aware of the Double Down sandwich. It’s cool to see how Oswalt worked this into his bit about the KFC Mega-Leg and turned it into eight fresh, hilarious minutes of new comedy instead of just retreading the Famous Bowl routine (which he acknowledges that he was trying to phase out):
Finally, switching gears to another of my favorite stand up routines about food. This time, it’s David Cross contemplating the gall of eating gold for dessert (also no video, but the picture of Cross here is funny enough to sustain the entire six minutes):
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