Our containseggs reporters in Sochi have averted the horror of Bob Costas’ infected yuck eye and scored the first major scoop of the 2014 WInter Olympic Games. Here is what the world will see during the Opening Ceremonies tomorrow:

A shirtless Vladimir Putin will chug a liter of vodka, wrestle a giant bear until it submits to ride a tricycle, eat a 92-ounce rare moose steak and then impregnate an athlete from the Russian female cross country skiing team.

You heard it here first.