Scoop! Here’s What Will Happen at Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

Our containseggs reporters in Sochi have averted the horror of Bob Costas’ infected yuck eye and scored the first major scoop of the 2014 WInter Olympic Games. Here is what the world will see during the Opening Ceremonies tomorrow:

A shirtless Vladimir Putin will chug a liter of vodka, wrestle a giant bear until it submits to ride a tricycle, eat a 92-ounce rare moose steak and then impregnate an athlete from the Russian female cross country skiing team.

You heard it here first.

Alleged U.S. Spy Ryan Fogle: Covert Agent or Simple Jack?

Obviously Russian authorities haven’t seen Tropic Thunder.

Alleged U.S. Spy in Russia Ryan Fogle

Alleged U.S. Spy in Russia Ryan Fogle

I'm not a sp-sp-sp-spy!

I’m not a sp-sp-sp-spy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE: It appears that he was dressed as straw-haired Simple Jack. ContainsEggs.com regrets the error.

SimpleJackSpyVsSpy

Bill Clinton in Drag Says Be Careful and Courteous at Crosswalks

Pedestrian:

I understand that you have the right of way when walking through a crosswalk in a parking lot. Safety and general courtesy dictate that I stop and wait for you to safely cross before driving my vehicle ahead.

This reality does not bestow upon you some shopping center royalty status. It does not demand or even reasonably suggest that you assume a posture of indignant superiority. We, car drivers, counted you among our ranks just moments before. It’s preposterous for you to glare at us in smug, wordless defiance, daring us to violate the Universal Law of Pedestrian Preeminence and enter the crosswalk as you pass.

Just walk across the damned road. Maybe even pick it up a step while courteous drivers wait for you.

Most importantly, heed the lesson of this fascinating digital animation of Bill Clinton in a dress being mowed down by an Audi at a crosswalk: No matter who is “right,” you will lose an inevitable battle with a car. This cautionary clip, set to a somehow appropriate wocka-chocka Cinemax soft porn soundtrack, vividly illustrates the point. Warning: This clip includes a graphic depiction of the tragically debilitating medical trauma condition known as “firefly head.”

Late Hope for Newt Gingrich: Polls Say He Would Leap 17 Points if He Changed His Name to “Nate Goonbritches”

OK, we thought this was funnier a month ago when Newt was still a feasibly viable GOP candidate. But having grown up in Atlanta, we have a special appreciation for Newt’s charms, most notably that his name sounds like a McDonaldland character. We were duly inspired to consider other, more electable names for Newt Gingrich:

  • Nerp Gefiltefish
  • Nude Jockitch
  • Goob Nosetwitch
  • Snoop Blingbitch
  • Flute Tangbridge
  • Noony Pringlecrunch
  • Ned Ditchwitch
  • Noob Ostrich
  • Nerf Lightswitch
  • Norb Clamwich
  • Molly Ringwald