Last Night in Sochi Was the Greatest Moment in Winter Olympics History

Move aside, 1980 U.S. men’s hockey team and your so-called “Miracle on Ice.” Last night in Sochi, we witnessed a true miracle as Russian ice dancer Ekaterina Bobrova dislodged a large chunk of hot dog from partner Dmitri Soloviev’s windpipe with a nifty Heimlich maneuver.

DERRP

oooh kaaay, ahhma gonna icesh dansh now

This could only be funnier if a moth flew into his mouth. I think it was supposed to be some dance of the zombies theme. I’m sure some ice dancing artistry happened soon thereafter, but this just looks ridiculous.

And for my splendid friend Loring, it evoked Anne Hathaway’s famous scene of assertive emotion in Les Miserables:

Scoop! Here’s What Will Happen at Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

Our containseggs reporters in Sochi have averted the horror of Bob Costas’ infected yuck eye and scored the first major scoop of the 2014 WInter Olympic Games. Here is what the world will see during the Opening Ceremonies tomorrow:

A shirtless Vladimir Putin will chug a liter of vodka, wrestle a giant bear until it submits to ride a tricycle, eat a 92-ounce rare moose steak and then impregnate an athlete from the Russian female cross country skiing team.

You heard it here first.