Toyota a Surprising Winner in Justin Bieber DUI. Also, CNN Still Sucks.

Fortuitous ad timing and placement for Toyota on

Canada's Worst Import

2016′s Top Commentator on World’s Dumbest

Bieber actually makes me nostalgic for the days when Canada sent us Anne Murray.

Also, isn’t one of the N’s in CNN supposed to stand for “News”?

Tiny Mazdas, Fast Times and Fickle, Fleeting Love

I went to Auburn my freshman year, about a two-hour drive southwest of Atlanta. I also had long, heavy, wavy brown hair. I drove a tiny Mazda RX-3, about the size of a large top-loading washer, but it would absolutely haul ass. My friends and I called the car The Blue Flash. (Also, in the south, we frequently say things such as “haul ass” when referring to automobiles.)

I was there summer quarter and embarked on the drive home to Atlanta one stifling hot Friday afternoon after class ended. To achieve maximum horsepower and velocity, the car did not have air conditioning. So I was blasting up I-85 N, boom box in the back seat blaring Rush’s Caress of Steel album on cassette, singing with animated vigor. A car, a Honda if I recall, pulled alongside on my right, with a lovely coed driving and an equal cutie riding shotgun.

Please Don't, Judge

Please Don’t, Judge

(If you have seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High, you probably know where this is going.)

To keep my thrashing windswept locks from battering my face while driving, I pulled the majority of it into a wad on top of my head with a big green butterfly clip. So as soon as I looked over and made smiling eye contact, I realized I probably looked like a skinny female meth addict at a laundromat. The Mazda and my pride decelerated as I let the girls drive ahead. I did not throw fish out the window.

Alas, judging from the lonesome loser in this 1973 Mazda RX-3 commercial, nobody got pussy in that car. (For the record, mine was not the wagon. I’m not sure if that helps or hurts my case.)

Hmm…the rotary engine runs so quietly, hot women will deceive you with false affection and sexual provocation in an elaborate ruse to steal your car. Mazda RX-3! See also: BOING! BOING! BOING!

Finally, and we know you’ve been waiting, here’s a cool live 1976 performance by Rush of Caress of Steel’s opening song, Bastille Day, apparently recorded before color movies were invented. (I think the song is about the day the French drove out Johnny Depp.)

Bill Clinton in Drag Says Be Careful and Courteous at Crosswalks


I understand that you have the right of way when walking through a crosswalk in a parking lot. Safety and general courtesy dictate that I stop and wait for you to safely cross before driving my vehicle ahead.

This reality does not bestow upon you some shopping center royalty status. It does not demand or even reasonably suggest that you assume a posture of indignant superiority. We, car drivers, counted you among our ranks just moments before. It’s preposterous for you to glare at us in smug, wordless defiance, daring us to violate the Universal Law of Pedestrian Preeminence and enter the crosswalk as you pass.

Just walk across the damned road. Maybe even pick it up a step while courteous drivers wait for you.

Most importantly, heed the lesson of this fascinating digital animation of Bill Clinton in a dress being mowed down by an Audi at a crosswalk: No matter who is “right,” you will lose an inevitable battle with a car. This cautionary clip, set to a somehow appropriate wocka-chocka Cinemax soft porn soundtrack, vividly illustrates the point. Warning: This clip includes a graphic depiction of the tragically debilitating medical trauma condition known as “firefly head.”