This is What it Sounds Like: Birds of Satan Assault the Pope’s Peace Doves

How horrible of a person am I to find this absolutely hilarious?

When Doves Cry

When Doves Cry

This now becomes my second favorite news photo involving a bird. The still reigning champion: Fabio roller coaster goose collision. Classic.

I can't believe that goose flutters

I can’t believe that goose flutters

Toyota a Surprising Winner in Justin Bieber DUI. Also, CNN Still Sucks.

Fortuitous ad timing and placement for Toyota on CNN.com.

Canada's Worst Import

2016′s Top Commentator on World’s Dumbest

Bieber actually makes me nostalgic for the days when Canada sent us Anne Murray.

Also, isn’t one of the N’s in CNN supposed to stand for “News”?

The containseggs 2012 Oscar Recap

As we observed tonight’s three-hour time-release Ambien awards show:

  • Breaking News: French filmmakers surrender Oscars for The Artist.
  • Really? Jethro Tull wins for best actress? Come on!
  • Last victim on the death reel? The Oscars.
  • Breaking News: Nick Nolte responds to his inclusion in the Oscar death reel.
  • What a shocking twist that M. Night Shyamalan directed The Artist. Did not see that coming.
  • The Oscars suck and celebrities are stupid and not funny and we’re the real stars on Twitter and I’m sad now and going to bed. 😦
  • I just hope Angelina makes it through the Death Reel.
  • That’s awesome that Bret Michaels won. Poison Forever!
  • They really need to kill some celebrities in live time during the “In Memoriam” to pick things up tonight.
  • I’m starting to think Nicolas Cage totally deserved his Oscar, and probably a couple more. #FireGhostWeirdSuckStillInTheaters
  • I can’t wait until Nick Nolte sings The Gambler.
  • I can’t WAIT for Billy Crystal to star in the Golden Girls movie reboot.
  • Is this Occupy Wall Street? I’m so confused.
  • Is the Academy mad at us? What did we do to deserve this?
  • Oh thank god for this Wizard of Oz focus group. #Redemption
  • It’s so cool that ABC broadcast this rehearsal of the Oscars.
  • I can’t believe they’ve let Chris Brown perform two montages. #DontForget
  • That’s true of so many important moments in my life. / RT @aimeemann: Watching the Oscars. Justin Bieber is the highlight so far.
  • I’ve never been more excited about the NBA.
  • Is this CSPAN?
  • Did anyone else catch that glimpse of Nick Nolte tongue kissing Leonard Nimoy in the balcony?
  • Whitney Houston died for this?
  • Hey, when does this Billy Crystal infomercial end and the Oscars(TM) start?
  • Don’t be so sure./ RT @thesulk The Oscars may suck but at least they won’t end with Tom Brady on his ass.
  • Woody Harrelson kicked ASS in the Slam Dunk contest last night. #Oscars #NBAAllStars
  • Surprising choice to have Nick Nolte sing the national anthem to kick things off. #Oscars
  • Albert Nobbs is a man? Come on!
  • RT @aimeenancygrace I’m sitting down at Safeway eating a peanut butter sandwich because I’m hypoglycemic. #Oscars
  • Kelly Osbourne’s hair is the color of ditto ink from when I was in elementary school. #FewPeopleWillGetThis #AhhhhTheSmell
  • Melanie Griffin looks like the old sunbathing woman from Something About Mary

Listeria on a Stick! The Chocolate Wonderfall at Golden Corral. And Oasis Reunites!

Golden Corral apparently has bought a 2012-GOP-presidential-candidate-sized block of television airtime to advertise its new Chocolate Wonderfall, a provocatively unsanitary bubbling cascade of gooey brown bacteria. The idea: Patrons submerge berries, cookies and other confections on sticks in the flowing chocolate, and then, apparently, consume them. (Fondon’t! Fondon’t!)

The commercials seem to run incessantly now, especially on the cable news channels:

 

There exists no doubt that this chocolate waterfall will trigger a much more violent chocolate waterfall later. Can you conceive of a more disgusting buffet line concept than this geyser of gastrointestinal distress? A churning wellspring of warm, sticky dessert syrup continuously attracting and recycling torrents of sneeze juice, dust and child germs?

And maybe a half of a second will pass from when a five-year old lays her eyes on this until she sticks her doll’s head into the chocolate sugar lava. Don’t just take our word for it; here’s the top comment on the YouTube post of the first commercial, which made us laugh until we cried when reading it aloud:

“So I went to a golden corral today, and I tried this out. Right as I dipped my marshmallow into it, some little kid reached over the little metal railing and just stuck his whole hand into it…”

And the Golden Corral reply to the comment offers scant solace:

“We strive to provide the best possible customer experience for all of our guest [sic]. However, with something as popular as this it is difficult to catch everything.”

Gaaahh! I just took a shower after reading that. This from a restaurant with a history of serving up the all-you-can-e coli buffet. And don’t forget the salmonella special right here in Georgia a few years back.

You’d think that such a track record would inspire tremendous caution with food safety and public health. Or maybe Golden Corral just realizes that the American buffet-going public has a short collective memory and an unrelenting lust for novelty, chocolate sauce and type-2 diabetes. Bacteria be damned! These patrons in a follow-up commercial certainly seem excited:

 

I hope that guy’s cowboy hat can catch some barf.

Finally, in an important aside, our good friend Tim O’Shea of Talking With Tim pointed out on Facebook that there is an inevitable advertising tie-in for the band Oasis. What better reason for them to reunite than to promote the Golden Corral Chocolate Wonderfall? After all, both the band and the Chocolate Wonderfall recycle things that were once good (Beatles songs, chocolate) and turn them into horrible abominations that send us running for the toilet. We close with some lyrics from the Oasis hit “Wonderwall,” reworked for Golden Corral:

Today is gonna be a day that you’re probably gonna spew
By now, you surely feel foul
From the chunks you inevitably blew
I can’t conceive how anybody
Eats that chocolate goo that’s trickling down

Yet maybe, after eating steak and gravy
You’ll heed the call, of Chocolate Wonderfall

Why is Fonzi doing reverse mortgage commercials? He didn’t even kill Natalie Wood.

I must admit, we were kinda bummed to see Henry Winkler recently debut as the celebrity spokesperson for One Reverse Mortgage. First of all, when did the Fonz age into the role of Comforting Familiar Trustworthy Senior? Isn’t that the territory of folksy oat peddler and diligent diabeetus warrior Wilford Brimley? Or the surprisingly inept and possibly inebriated teleprompter reader Tommy Lee Jones? I mean, the fucking Fonz improbably mastered Russian dance, sent bullies scurrying in a whimpering panic by busting doors off their hinges, mixed toughness with wisdom to defuse a violent situation with a karate-crazed Tom Hanks (!), and ended racial segregation.

So forgive us if we can’t help but feel that shilling for reverse mortgages is beneath Winkler’s station, better suited for Hart to Hart actor and marital yacht assassin Robert Wagner. (Insert tasteless Natalie Driftwood joke here.)

We’ve decided to celebrate some of Winkler’s finest work, as lawyer Barry Zuckerkorn on Arrested Development. Here, in one of our favorite scenes of all time, Winkler lampoons overt TV product placements, punctuating the point by jumping the shark for the second time in his career:

 

And the original, as Fonzie, which launched a passionate cultural fixation on pinpointing the moment good things start to suck:

 

And finally, one last sublime Zuckerkorn moment. Those are balls:

Ana Gasteyer’s Quest for Justice and Other Important News