Category Archives: Media

Time to Rebrand Wolf Blitzer’s “The Situation Room”

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Relative to other recent examples of CNN’s implosion as a news organization, this is a bit of a nit. But “The Situation Room” is a downright silly name for CNN’s daily collection of speculation and misinformation about vanished planes hosted by a semi-literate, botox-smoothed Wolf Blitzer.

He's still pressing the answer buzzer on Celebrity Jeapordy

“The situation has moved to my pants.”

I know they borrowed it from the White House crisis command and control center in hopes of imparting an urgency of breaking news and perspectives of top thinkers and decision makers. But it’s laughably solemn given the embarrassing proceedings at hand. It’s also an oddly pedestrian characterization of a room that’s supposed to be the nerve center of decisive action. “Ooh, The Situation Room, sounds like the room where, you know, situations are discussed.” We provide CNN chief Jeff Zucker these alternatives for a rebrand of Blitzer’s afternoon newser snoozer:

  • The Predicament Shed
  • The Imbroglio Closet
  • The Incident Parlor
  • The Circumstance Foyer
  • The Episode Boudoir
  • The Scenario Cupboard
  • The Phenomenon Lobby
  • The Event Cubicle
  • The Consideration Dojo
  • The Development Loo
  • The Complication Tent
  • The Transaction Gazebo
  • The Occurrence Patio

Final thought. With Blitzer’s show having evolved into a daily installment of breathless chatter devoid of news or insight, I suggest my favorite alternative: The Hyperbolic Chamber.

 

 

CNN Headline: “Could Flight 370 Wash Ashore in South American Tsunami?”

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OK, former news network CNN hasn’t linked the Mystery of Flight 370 with the tsunami off the coasts of Chile and Peru. Yet. But let’s not put anything past the editorial judgement of the folks who keep us informed with expert analysis no other news outlet can offer:

20140401-221436.jpg(Photo originally posted at Shit Pilots Say on Facebook.)

 

New Development: CNN Forced to Call Actual Breaking News About Flight 370 Something Else

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After three weeks of calling every false report, baseless speculation and black hole theory “Breaking News,” CNN encountered a dilemma today: actual breaking news. Search crews have spotted some debris that appears more promising than previous finds, and more boats and planes are en route to a narrowing search area. Hence, “New Developments.” I love these clowns.

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“♪ Rot Pockets! ♫” Nestle Recalls Diseased Meat Hot Pockets, Gaffigan Updates Material. Also, Balls.

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Nestle voluntarily recalled its Philly Steak and Cheese and Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they are disgusting. No, wait, it’s because they might contain meat from “diseased and unsound animals.”

Hmm. Is this really a huge departure from the typical contents of a Hot Pocket? Don’t we have pretty low expectations to begin with?

This follows last week’s recall of 9 million pounds of tainted meat by Rancho Feeding Corporation. (Coming this fall on NBC: Meat Recall, which stars Thora Birch as a brash, no-nonsense USDA inspector with a photographic memory.)

Also, someone on Twitter asked the very valid question: When they recall meat, do they fix it and give it back to you? Like a Kia?

As always with these stories, the real fun is in the details. So let’s take a closer look at some of the meat products Rancho Feeding Corporation recalled:

  • “Beef Carcasses” (wholesale and custom sales only)
  • 2 per box “Beef (Market) Heads” (retail only)
  • 4-gallons per box “Beef Blood” (wholesale only)
  • 50-lb. boxes of “Beef Feet”
  • 50-lb. boxes of “Beef Hearts”

Apparently, the bulk of the recalled items were from the Rancho Pagan Ritual Meats Division. But here’s the real story the “mainstream media” missed:

  • 30-lb. boxes of “Mountain Oysters”

In the famous words of Barry Zuckerkorn: “Those are balls.”

That’s right, mountain oysters are beef testicles. Apparently also known as mountain tendergroins and cowboy caviar. So yet again, the news media miss the real story, and headline editors miss this golden opportunity:

“Ball Recall, Y’all”

Of course, as in all matters of the Hot Pocket, we ultimately defer to Mr. Gaffigan:

Really, Georgia? Now an Earthquake? *smears on locust repellent*

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On the heels of SNOW MY GOD! 2014, and 4.1 magnitude earthquake just shook Georgia and the Carolinas. On Valentine’s Day no less.

Headline prediction for mid-November: “Birthquake!”

Most importantly an hour after this quake rocked the southeast: Why isn’t WSB TV’s Mark Winne dressed like Humphrey Bogart and reporting from the back of a Humvee?

UPDATE: Breaking: Governor Nathan Deal forms Earthquake Task Force. Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed compares response to Day 1 of the last earthquake.

SNOW MY GOD! 2014 Update: Canada Weighs In On the Atlanta Winter Storm

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Another great moment in local coverage of SNOW MY GOD! 2014*. This analysis by a Canadian visitor really puts the storm in perspective:

 

*A friend also suggested CLUSTERFLAKE, which I must admit I wish I had thought of.

SNOW MY GOD! 2014 Update: WSB TV’s Mark Winne Submits This Awful Reporting, For Your Consideration

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We have a serious early contender for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting from WSB’s Mark Winne, interviewing Georgia National Guard members.

First of all, it’s unclear why he protects himself against the harsh conditions by dressing as a 1940s gumshoe.

And the usually hard-hitting investigative reporter seems to feel like he’s slumming by doing storm duty. So he artificially interjects Serious Newsman Drama into the interview, to hilarious effect. Here’s the transcript of the interview with National Guard Specialist Lucinda Jamerson:

Winne: “So you’ve been out on the roads, uh, in a Humvee?”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “Uh, you helped move a blocked tree off Atlanta Road.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “You saw a flipped over car.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Now, after wearing down her defenses with obvious observations, Winne goes in for the kill:

Winne: “Why are you out here?”

Honestly. “Why are you out here?” He just finished reciting to her a list of things that she was doing out there, barely giving her time to respond. Then he HOLDS HER ACCOUNTABLE for justifying her role in the storm response.

Winne clearly wasn’t actually trying to trip her up or call her out, but his rapid-fire ambush instincts make this otherwise air-filling news clip extra amusing.

To her credit, Jamerson rolled with Winne’s peculiar question and responded with a simple summary of her snow job:

Jamerson: “I’m out here doing what I’m supposed to do, as a Guard member, helping out the people, giving them what they need in these conditions.”

Remember, people, CATASTROPHIC. Be safe. 

UPDATE: Oh good lord, now Winne is “on patrol with the National Guard.” He just signed off with “Reporting live from a Humvee.”

Winne The Gumshoe

UPDATE 2: We have another strong candidate for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting, this time from WXIA. We don’t have video, but my brother shared this: “We just watched a Channel 11 reporter put his microphone up to the ice so that the viewers could hear it melting. That’s right, he actually interviewed the ice.”

UPDATE 3: Guys, Winne really just can’t help himself.

Unfortunately, this part of the report was cut off:

“By the way, for those of you not familiar with military terminology, a Humvee, which I was riding in the back of while reporting that story while on patrol with the National Guard, is short for ‘Hummus Vehicle.’ At least that’s what the Guard members I was on patrol with today told me. Apparently its of Greek origin. I’m Mark Winne, Channel 2 Action News. Emphasis on ‘action,’ by the way.”

Atlanta Braces for SNOW MY GOD! 2014 (Special Catastrophic Edition)

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I have offered “SNOW MY GOD! 2014” to my local news contacts free of charge. So far no station has adopted it as a winter storm theme. But someone will.

For locals, please be aware that this storm has the potential to be CATASTROPHIC. We know this because the National Weather Service said so as the storm approached. And now it is the only word local newscasters say. Brenda Wood on WXIA must’ve said “catastrophic” 31 times in the opening minute of the 11 o’clock news last night. It reminded me of this scene from The Aviator, when Leonardo DiCaprio portrays Howard Hughes in the early stages of descent into mental illness, obsessively repeating “show me all the blueprints.”

I do not make light of the storm’s potential. As an Atlanta native, I’ve seen firsthand for decades how bad we are at snow. Hell, last weekend Nashville got a half-inch of snow and traffic in Atlanta ground to a halt. (That did not actually happen.) Godspeed, hometown.

Getting Roger Ailes’ Good Side Probably is a Tough Photo Assignment

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CNN continues to annoy with its growing adoption of BuzzFeed-style numbered list click baiting, here with the “Top 5 Things” learned from a new unauthorized biography of polarizing Fox News chief Roger Ailes. CNN chose this amusingly unflattering closeup of Ailes, in which he looks like Glenn Beck inflated into a parade float.

roger ailesI hope for author Gabriel Sherman’s sake that the rest of the book delivers more than CNN culls here. This top 5 list informs us that Ailes is an extremely influential Republican who runs a transparently biased news channel. Start the presses!

Here’s a much more interesting perspective on Ailes from The Hollywood Reporter. Love or hate him, he’s an interesting interview. Here’s Ailes on Rachel Maddow:

“I think Rachel Maddow has been a surprise to a lot of people. She wouldn’t really work at this network because she wouldn’t even come in the door, but on a personal level, I like her. I don’t want to hurt her career, so I won’t say we get along, but I’ve had dialogue with her, and she’s very smart. She has adapted well to the television medium.”