CNN Headline: “Could Flight 370 Wash Ashore in South American Tsunami?”

OK, former news network CNN hasn’t linked the Mystery of Flight 370 with the tsunami off the coasts of Chile and Peru. Yet. But let’s not put anything past the editorial judgement of the folks who keep us informed with expert analysis no other news outlet can offer:

20140401-221436.jpg(Photo originally posted at Shit Pilots Say on Facebook.)


New Development: CNN Forced to Call Actual Breaking News About Flight 370 Something Else

After three weeks of calling every false report, baseless speculation and black hole theory “Breaking News,” CNN encountered a dilemma today: actual breaking news. Search crews have spotted some debris that appears more promising than previous finds, and more boats and planes are en route to a narrowing search area. Hence, “New Developments.” I love these clowns.


Someone should explain to CNN that “Breaking News” and “Relentless Speculation” are not the same thing


CNN has not broken one single morsel of news about the mystery Malaysian Airlines plane. It has breathlessly chased every red herring this dramatic saga has introduced. CNN parades a continuous stream of experts and observers with varying degrees of knowledge to speculate on where in the world the wayward aircraft might be.

It’s a ferociously fascinating story. I’ll watch a panel yap about what they think might have happened. But let’s call that what it is: People guessing. “Breaking News” implies that news has broken, that something new has been revealed. CNN will run the “Breaking News” title graphic while relentlessly repeating the same updates being reported by every network. Often the “latest” news is hours old.

His quest for credibility is failing

His quest for credibility is failing

And CNN’s resident aviation expert and meth-addled genitalia wrangler Richard Quest is an imbecile and a twit. He has been spectacularly wrong on almost every observation and speculation. He was almost unequivocal that the Chinese satellite photos from a few days ago were indeed showing the wreckage of the plane. Other more knowledgeable experts urged caution based on the size and placement of the satellite photo mystery debris. But Quest continued to insist with bluster that the photos showed the remnants of the downed plane. He’s a buffoon.

And Wolf Blitzer embarrasses himself in live reporting and interviews during unfolding stories such as this. Here is a typical exchange:

Thoughtful, Cautious Aviation Expert: “We just don’t have enough information to speculate on what might have happened to that aircraft.”

Blizter: “So do you think it’s possible that terrorists overtook the flight crew and diverted the plane to Yemen?”

Thoughtful, Cautious Airline Expert: “What you are asking is absolutely impossible to know.”

Blitzer: “So it is possible then. Also, did Malaysian Airlines ignore FAA guidance regarding possible vulnerabilities related to corrosion in the fuselage of the Boeing 777 aircraft? Did that create a breach in the external structure of the plane that compromised the air compression in the cabin?”

Thoughtful, Cautious Aviation Expert: “We won’t know for several days or even weeks what the maintenance record of the plane will show. And in any case, the scenario you describe is highly unlikely. There is no value in such random conjecture.”

Blitzer: “So you’re saying that the wanton negligence of Malaysian Airlines cost the lives of more than 200 passengers on that airplane?”

Thoughtful, Cautious Aviation Expert: “You’re an idiot.”

Blitzer: “Are you suggesting then that aliens cast down a beam from a hovering space pod and pulled the aircraft in with a gravitational force that earthly science cannot even comprehend?”

Just Throw the Onions in My Mouth, I’m Going to Miss My Flight

This pic is from concourse A at Hartsfield Airport in Atlanta. No food says “grab and go” for a crowded flight quite like muffuletta. (For those of you who aren’t familiar, a muffuletta is a giant, messy sandwich with multiple meats topped with a sloppy, oily olive salad spread. The picture sums it up.)

Also my favorite post-Beatles Paul McCartney album

We suggest some additional incongruent airport food options for the hurried traveler:

  • Deviled Eggs in a Dash
  • Carry-On Clams
  • Gazpacho at the Gate
  • Corn on the Concourse
  • Sloppy Go’s!
  • Fondue on the Fly
  • Beef Stewardess
  • The Graviator
  • Gumbo Jet
  • Stir-Fry & Fly
  • Boarding Bass

We welcome you to reply with your own airport food franchise suggestions. Also tweet to #badairportfoodideas

Important Travel Guidelines: Things You Can’t Flush Down the Airplane Toilet

Passengers are prohibited from discarding the following items in the airplane toilet:

1) Pizza boxes

2) Old-timey, doorstep-delivered glass milk bottles

3) Shriner hats

4) Ear flaps

5) 80’s cassette mix tapes made for your girlfriend (unless the tape contains songs by Richard Marx)

6) Unfinished origami

7) Severed hands

Your cooperation is appreciated.

Statue Rebellion, Comfort Wear for Travel and Other Excellent Things