“♪ Rot Pockets! ♫” Nestle Recalls Diseased Meat Hot Pockets, Gaffigan Updates Material. Also, Balls.

Nestle voluntarily recalled its Philly Steak and Cheese and Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they are disgusting. No, wait, it’s because they might contain meat from “diseased and unsound animals.”

Hmm. Is this really a huge departure from the typical contents of a Hot Pocket? Don’t we have pretty low expectations to begin with?

This follows last week’s recall of 9 million pounds of tainted meat by Rancho Feeding Corporation. (Coming this fall on NBC: Meat Recall, which stars Thora Birch as a brash, no-nonsense USDA inspector with a photographic memory.)

Also, someone on Twitter asked the very valid question: When they recall meat, do they fix it and give it back to you? Like a Kia?

As always with these stories, the real fun is in the details. So let’s take a closer look at some of the meat products Rancho Feeding Corporation recalled:

  • “Beef Carcasses” (wholesale and custom sales only)
  • 2 per box “Beef (Market) Heads” (retail only)
  • 4-gallons per box “Beef Blood” (wholesale only)
  • 50-lb. boxes of “Beef Feet”
  • 50-lb. boxes of “Beef Hearts”

Apparently, the bulk of the recalled items were from the Rancho Pagan Ritual Meats Division. But here’s the real story the “mainstream media” missed:

  • 30-lb. boxes of “Mountain Oysters”

In the famous words of Barry Zuckerkorn: “Those are balls.”

That’s right, mountain oysters are beef testicles. Apparently also known as mountain tendergroins and cowboy caviar. So yet again, the news media miss the real story, and headline editors miss this golden opportunity:

“Ball Recall, Y’all”

Of course, as in all matters of the Hot Pocket, we ultimately defer to Mr. Gaffigan:

Important Travel Guidelines: Things You Can’t Flush Down the Airplane Toilet

Passengers are prohibited from discarding the following items in the airplane toilet:

1) Pizza boxes

2) Old-timey, doorstep-delivered glass milk bottles

3) Shriner hats

4) Ear flaps

5) 80’s cassette mix tapes made for your girlfriend (unless the tape contains songs by Richard Marx)

6) Unfinished origami

7) Severed hands

Your cooperation is appreciated.