SNOW MY GOD! 2014 Update: WSB TV’s Mark Winne Submits This Awful Reporting, For Your Consideration

We have a serious early contender for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting from WSB’s Mark Winne, interviewing Georgia National Guard members.

First of all, it’s unclear why he protects himself against the harsh conditions by dressing as a 1940s gumshoe.

And the usually hard-hitting investigative reporter seems to feel like he’s slumming by doing storm duty. So he artificially interjects Serious Newsman Drama into the interview, to hilarious effect. Here’s the transcript of the interview with National Guard Specialist Lucinda Jamerson:

Winne: “So you’ve been out on the roads, uh, in a Humvee?”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “Uh, you helped move a blocked tree off Atlanta Road.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “You saw a flipped over car.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Now, after wearing down her defenses with obvious observations, Winne goes in for the kill:

Winne: “Why are you out here?”

Honestly. “Why are you out here?” He just finished reciting to her a list of things that she was doing out there, barely giving her time to respond. Then he HOLDS HER ACCOUNTABLE for justifying her role in the storm response.

Winne clearly wasn’t actually trying to trip her up or call her out, but his rapid-fire ambush instincts make this otherwise air-filling news clip extra amusing.

To her credit, Jamerson rolled with Winne’s peculiar question and responded with a simple summary of her snow job:

Jamerson: “I’m out here doing what I’m supposed to do, as a Guard member, helping out the people, giving them what they need in these conditions.”

Remember, people, CATASTROPHIC. Be safe. 

UPDATE: Oh good lord, now Winne is “on patrol with the National Guard.” He just signed off with “Reporting live from a Humvee.”

Winne The Gumshoe

UPDATE 2: We have another strong candidate for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting, this time from WXIA. We don’t have video, but my brother shared this: “We just watched a Channel 11 reporter put his microphone up to the ice so that the viewers could hear it melting. That’s right, he actually interviewed the ice.”

UPDATE 3: Guys, Winne really just can’t help himself.

Unfortunately, this part of the report was cut off:

“By the way, for those of you not familiar with military terminology, a Humvee, which I was riding in the back of while reporting that story while on patrol with the National Guard, is short for ‘Hummus Vehicle.’ At least that’s what the Guard members I was on patrol with today told me. Apparently its of Greek origin. I’m Mark Winne, Channel 2 Action News. Emphasis on ‘action,’ by the way.”

Atlanta Braces for SNOW MY GOD! 2014 (Special Catastrophic Edition)

I have offered “SNOW MY GOD! 2014” to my local news contacts free of charge. So far no station has adopted it as a winter storm theme. But someone will.

For locals, please be aware that this storm has the potential to be CATASTROPHIC. We know this because the National Weather Service said so as the storm approached. And now it is the only word local newscasters say. Brenda Wood on WXIA must’ve said “catastrophic” 31 times in the opening minute of the 11 o’clock news last night. It reminded me of this scene from The Aviator, when Leonardo DiCaprio portrays Howard Hughes in the early stages of descent into mental illness, obsessively repeating “show me all the blueprints.”

I do not make light of the storm’s potential. As an Atlanta native, I’ve seen firsthand for decades how bad we are at snow. Hell, last weekend Nashville got a half-inch of snow and traffic in Atlanta ground to a halt. (That did not actually happen.) Godspeed, hometown.

Getting Roger Ailes’ Good Side Probably is a Tough Photo Assignment

CNN continues to annoy with its growing adoption of BuzzFeed-style numbered list click baiting, here with the “Top 5 Things” learned from a new unauthorized biography of polarizing Fox News chief Roger Ailes. CNN chose this amusingly unflattering closeup of Ailes, in which he looks like Glenn Beck inflated into a parade float.

roger ailesI hope for author Gabriel Sherman’s sake that the rest of the book delivers more than CNN culls here. This top 5 list informs us that Ailes is an extremely influential Republican who runs a transparently biased news channel. Start the presses!

Here’s a much more interesting perspective on Ailes from The Hollywood Reporter. Love or hate him, he’s an interesting interview. Here’s Ailes on Rachel Maddow:

“I think Rachel Maddow has been a surprise to a lot of people. She wouldn’t really work at this network because she wouldn’t even come in the door, but on a personal level, I like her. I don’t want to hurt her career, so I won’t say we get along, but I’ve had dialogue with her, and she’s very smart. She has adapted well to the television medium.”

This is CNN (Warning: The post contains distasteful Miley Cyrus content)

I want to like CNN. As an Atlanta native it wounds me personally to see crazy Ted Turner’s once proud news empire rudderless and foundering. Recent high-profile reporting blunders and questionable editorial calls haven’t helped matters. But I at least like some of what they’ve tried since Jeff Zucker showed up to run things. Anthony Bourdain’s hyper-promoted show is as interesting an hour as any of the news channels broadcasts (although it’s still not exactly news). His visit to Libya was flat-out fascinating.

But, you know, this:

This Is CNN

Surely there are some actual news-minded editors at CNN who are ready to just give up. How thoroughly embarrassing that Miley Cyrus’s skank dance at the VMA’s is the breathless top news item on CNN.com. Right down to the triple-question-marked tabloid “She did what???” headline. You’re making it hard to root for you, CNN.

UPDATE: By the way, I was kidding about the “distasteful Miley Cyrus content.” I consider any Miley Cyrus content to be distasteful. We haven’t gone prude here at containseggs.

UPDATE NO. 2: Wow, The Onion rips CNN.com to shreds for this in a hilarious phony editorial. Outstanding.

K-Mart’s Fishy Holiday Charity Angels: Bah Humbug!

How cynical am I for thinking this is a brilliantly executed marketing campaign by K-Mart? Google “K-Mart layaway” (without quotes) and you’ll see 650 news links, national and local, all associating this feel-good holiday story with K-Mart. Why would these anonymous Christmas layaway angels not also drop by Wal-Mart or Marshall’s or Best Buy? (To be fair, these reporters at least checked with Wal-Mart, which said it had seen some cases of anonymous charity. But the overwhelming and extremely valuable positive press coverage focuses on K-Mart.)

I am officially calling a special Scrooge Edition Bullshit. Please Santa prove this cynic wrong.

Poor Judgment in Promotional Photos: Sesame Street Edition

So, apparently “The Office” star John Krasinski will kick off the 42nd season of Sesame Street by bracing for a high-velocity money shot from an enormous uncircumcised penis. Do Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity know about this outrageous filth PBS is peddling?

Scene Directed By Bert and Ernie

ATHF’s Frylock Reports on Polygamy for CNN

Looks like when Aqua Teen Hunger Force (now Aqua Unit Patrol Squad) is not filming, Frylock moonlights as KTVK investigative reporter Mike Watkiss. Today he weighed in on polygamy rights on John King’s usually tranquilizing CNN show.

Meatwad unavailable for comment

UPDATE: We were able to capture this mid-mutation frame from CNN’s broadcast: