Non-Meth, Celebrity-Endorsed Options for Losing That Extra Holiday Weight

I managed to get myself in great shape by Thanksgiving this past year, then spent the month of December washing down sticks of butter with wine. It’s like someone pulled a ripcord and I inflated into Val Kilmer.

Val Kilmer magic trick turns Andy Ritcher into a pyramid of donuts backstage at Conan

I’m coming for you, ham!

So how to shake the sloth and lose those holiday pounds? I find that when I’m really unmotivated, I’ll alleviate the guilt by attributing fitness benefits to everyday activities. “You know, I bet we’ve walked three-quarters of a mile in this mall today. And we really picked up the pace by those perfume people in Macy’s.”

Or maybe, “Hey, this bowling ball weighs 13 pounds. If I pick it up and swing it down this lane 30 times, that’s gotta work the shoulder and biceps. And I’ll balance out my workout by lifting the beer pitcher with only my left hand.”

Sometimes I’ll even assume a mild cardio benefit by proxy when I’m driving and wave a jogger through an intersection.

But it’s time to step it up for real, so I am seeking fitness direction from the people I trust most: celebrities. The internet is packed with workout videos delivered by celebrities of various status, age and credentials. My research led me to this mesmerizingly erotic terrifying fitness video by Angela Landsbury.

And in this next video, a penis in tiny blue shorts terrorizes a public park, while Sally Struthers and her friends try to keep up by power walking.

Finally, since we mentioned bowling and we want to erase the traumatizing visions of the previous two videos, here is Jim Gaffigan’s splendid routine about bowling. Now you have the flu.

K-Mart’s Fishy Holiday Charity Angels: Bah Humbug!

How cynical am I for thinking this is a brilliantly executed marketing campaign by K-Mart? Google “K-Mart layaway” (without quotes) and you’ll see 650 news links, national and local, all associating this feel-good holiday story with K-Mart. Why would these anonymous Christmas layaway angels not also drop by Wal-Mart or Marshall’s or Best Buy? (To be fair, these reporters at least checked with Wal-Mart, which said it had seen some cases of anonymous charity. But the overwhelming and extremely valuable positive press coverage focuses on K-Mart.)

I am officially calling a special Scrooge Edition Bullshit. Please Santa prove this cynic wrong.