Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho: Food for the Statutory Rapist on the Go!

This commercial has annoyed and amused me for a month or so. Taco Bell introduced a new foodstuff envelope called the Grilled Stuft Nacho. The ad makes scant mention of what’s in it or what it tastes like, focusing instead on portability as its most desirable characteristic.

So, who does Taco Bell think this on-the-go edible nacho purse would appeal to? Perhaps the businessman seeking a quick bite on his way to a meeting across town? Maybe the mom with the kids in the car coming home from soccer practice?

Well, no. Taco Bell has a different demographic in mind: The high school kid who’s fucking your daughter. In the ad, we see an older teen boy in close up, running frantically in slow motion. He looks back over his shoulder and then we see a father, slobbering with rage as he pursues the teen down a sleepy residential street. The voiceover says what we couldn’t otherwise believe Taco Bell would want us to think: “Why would you ever need to eat nachos on the go? Let’s say her parents came home early.”

Is this really the brand identity Taco Bell wants?

“Once you’ve stuft her taco, grab that Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho you keep handy by the window for your hasty departure. You’ll need all the energy you can get to escape a brutal assault at the hands of a maniacally enraged dad who just caught you sexually violating his daughter.

And what young predator has time to sit down for a meal? You’re going to be busy pumping your young date full of Fireball shots, just in case your AXE Body Spray sex cloud doesn’t completely overwhelm her defenses.

And at just $1.29, you’ll have allowance money left over to buy those Roofies from your uncle Randy who drives a van. Taco Bell!”

Campbell’s Soup: Also made with meat from carbon-based animals

We’re sure others have noted this before us, but tonight a TV commercial bragged that Campbell’s makes its soups with “farm-grown ingredients.”

Our expectations for Campbell’s soup already linger pretty low. Still, Campbell’s impresses us with the brazen suggestion that the benchmark for soup quality and wholesome yumminess is having ingredients grown on a farm.

“You won’t find back-alley carrots or interstate-median herbs in Campbell’s soups. Our produce comes from a special place—the place where produce comes from. Does Progresso make its minestrone with beans and potatoes formulated in windowless concrete laboratories staffed by inmates from federal psychiatric prisons? We can’t say for certain, but rest assured that we pack every can of Campbell’s soup with vegetables picked by migrant workers aching with sweat, crippling joint pain and financial desperation. And they picked those vegetables on a farm.”

Here’s a super bonus from our extensive research for this post: A couple of eerie old animated commercials featuring the Campbell’s Kids.

In the first commercial, two creepy tomato cannibal twins cheerily boil a naive, trusting Midwestern farm tomato alive. (“Welcome to the jungle baby!”) Apparently the sun is complicit in their blood lust:

In the second commercial, two new serial agri-killers harvest a colony of fat, smiling mushrooms for Campbell’s delectable and apparently hallucinatory cream of mushroom soup. If the kooky kids didn’t already motivate you to bolt to your corner grocer, just wait until the closing shot in which a gelatinous glob of gummy fungi concentrate slithers from the can like an alien afterbirth. A special containseggs prize to the person who can best articulate the sound it makes. Bon appetit!

It does save money on restaurants

We were amused that someone found containseggs today by searching the term “cocaine travel guide.” We were equally amused that we’re only the sixth link in a Google search for “cocaine travel guide.” Perhaps this travel trend is more popular than we realized. Life and satire seem to stick pretty closely together.

Just Throw the Onions in My Mouth, I’m Going to Miss My Flight

This pic is from concourse A at Hartsfield Airport in Atlanta. No food says “grab and go” for a crowded flight quite like muffuletta. (For those of you who aren’t familiar, a muffuletta is a giant, messy sandwich with multiple meats topped with a sloppy, oily olive salad spread. The picture sums it up.)

Also my favorite post-Beatles Paul McCartney album

We suggest some additional incongruent airport food options for the hurried traveler:

  • Deviled Eggs in a Dash
  • Carry-On Clams
  • Gazpacho at the Gate
  • Corn on the Concourse
  • Sloppy Go’s!
  • Fondue on the Fly
  • Beef Stewardess
  • The Graviator
  • Gumbo Jet
  • Stir-Fry & Fly
  • Boarding Bass

We welcome you to reply with your own airport food franchise suggestions. Also tweet to #badairportfoodideas

The roasted red pepper conspiracy

Why must every sandwich, soup or entree I order now contain roasted red peppers? What inspires a chef to say, “This roast beef sandwich tastes almost perfect . . . now all it needs is a charred wad of wet slime that will overpower every other flavor with a combination of mushy, sweet bitterness and a strong potting soil aftertaste.”?

And suddenly they have infiltrated every single dish. “Tonight’s dessert special is a strawberry cheesecake made with roasted red peppers instead of strawberries. And also instead of cheesecake.”

Just how powerful is the roasted red pepper lobby (Big Pepper?) to have promoted such total saturation of our culinary culture? It all became clearer last week: