“True Detective” Is Better Than Every Other Thing, and Matthew McConaughey Can Make Anything Sound Cool

Last night I cooked chicken for dinner. I am obsessively meticulous about continuously washing my hands and utensils when cooking, especially with raw chicken.

Rah, Chicken

Rah, Chicken

In fact, my fixation on food preparation and cleanliness borders on pathological. I had a boss once who walked into the restroom on our floor with an uncovered salad from the cafeteria downstairs. I’d rather have witnessed a plane crash.

Seriously, he just set it on the counter while he peed, letting his open salad mingle with airborne particles of his colleagues’ excreta. I’m lathering up with hand sanitizer now just from typing about it.

So last night, as I tore open the clear plastic chicken packaging, for some reason I thought about how disgusting it would be to just lick the raw chicken. That would be the kind of trauma from which I might not recover. So “lickin’ the chicken” took root in my head as one of the grossest phrases imaginable.

Unless Matthew McConaughey said it. His easy Texas drawl just pats you on the shoulder and hands you a beer no matter what he’s saying. He would make it sound like a cool catchphrase, something you wished you could hang out with him and do after surfing.

“Hey, Matthew, what’s up, how’s it going?”

“Alright alright, you know, JK liivin’, just lickin’ the chicken.”

Given that he landed on Neptune in his SAG award speech for best actor recently, I’m hopeful that he will somehow find this and work “lickin’ the chicken” into his likely upcoming Oscar™ acceptance speech.

Which brings us to his current project, the astounding series True Detective on HBO. He and Woody Harrelson absolutely mesmerize in their roles as Louisiana State police detectives alternately investigating in flashback and currently reflecting on a murder set 18 years prior. McConaughey crackles with dazzling, forceful nihilism. And Harrelson startles viewers with a turn as a volatile, complicatedly sinister cop and husband with what seems to be a genuine but entirely pliable morality. Their evolving narratives slowly fill the gaps of their complex and ferociously flawed characters, as well as the pursuit and apparent capture of the murderer.

Scenes bring you to your knees with their riveting visual power and dark beauty. At times every fractional second is exhilarating and fascinating. Below is one such scene, the harrowing chunk of dynamite that closed out the fourth and most recent episode.

Even if you don’t know the full setup for the story, this scene will amaze you. Quick context: McConaughey is undercover with a drug gang staging a violent raid on a rival gang. His crew members are falsely dressed as cops in the scene. That’s really all you need to know to behold the fierce artistry of this six-minute, unbroken one-track scene.

Here, Inquisitr.com breaks down how they filmed the remarkable scene.

And here author Michael M. Hughes takes an interesting look at how the show incorporates an obscure 1895 work or strange fiction called The King in Yellow, written by Robert W. Chambers.

Deadwood has long been my favorite TV drama ever, but I have a feeling that may change by the time this eight-episode season ends.

Really, Georgia? Now an Earthquake? *smears on locust repellent*

On the heels of SNOW MY GOD! 2014, and 4.1 magnitude earthquake just shook Georgia and the Carolinas. On Valentine’s Day no less.

Headline prediction for mid-November: “Birthquake!”

Most importantly an hour after this quake rocked the southeast: Why isn’t WSB TV’s Mark Winne dressed like Humphrey Bogart and reporting from the back of a Humvee?

UPDATE: Breaking: Governor Nathan Deal forms Earthquake Task Force. Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed compares response to Day 1 of the last earthquake.

SNOW MY GOD! 2014 Update: Canada Weighs In On the Atlanta Winter Storm

Another great moment in local coverage of SNOW MY GOD! 2014*. This analysis by a Canadian visitor really puts the storm in perspective:

 

*A friend also suggested CLUSTERFLAKE, which I must admit I wish I had thought of.

SNOW MY GOD! 2014 Update: WSB TV’s Mark Winne Submits This Awful Reporting, For Your Consideration

We have a serious early contender for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting from WSB’s Mark Winne, interviewing Georgia National Guard members.

First of all, it’s unclear why he protects himself against the harsh conditions by dressing as a 1940s gumshoe.

And the usually hard-hitting investigative reporter seems to feel like he’s slumming by doing storm duty. So he artificially interjects Serious Newsman Drama into the interview, to hilarious effect. Here’s the transcript of the interview with National Guard Specialist Lucinda Jamerson:

Winne: “So you’ve been out on the roads, uh, in a Humvee?”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “Uh, you helped move a blocked tree off Atlanta Road.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “You saw a flipped over car.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Now, after wearing down her defenses with obvious observations, Winne goes in for the kill:

Winne: “Why are you out here?”

Honestly. “Why are you out here?” He just finished reciting to her a list of things that she was doing out there, barely giving her time to respond. Then he HOLDS HER ACCOUNTABLE for justifying her role in the storm response.

Winne clearly wasn’t actually trying to trip her up or call her out, but his rapid-fire ambush instincts make this otherwise air-filling news clip extra amusing.

To her credit, Jamerson rolled with Winne’s peculiar question and responded with a simple summary of her snow job:

Jamerson: “I’m out here doing what I’m supposed to do, as a Guard member, helping out the people, giving them what they need in these conditions.”

Remember, people, CATASTROPHIC. Be safe. 

UPDATE: Oh good lord, now Winne is “on patrol with the National Guard.” He just signed off with “Reporting live from a Humvee.”

Winne The Gumshoe

UPDATE 2: We have another strong candidate for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting, this time from WXIA. We don’t have video, but my brother shared this: “We just watched a Channel 11 reporter put his microphone up to the ice so that the viewers could hear it melting. That’s right, he actually interviewed the ice.”

UPDATE 3: Guys, Winne really just can’t help himself.

Unfortunately, this part of the report was cut off:

“By the way, for those of you not familiar with military terminology, a Humvee, which I was riding in the back of while reporting that story while on patrol with the National Guard, is short for ‘Hummus Vehicle.’ At least that’s what the Guard members I was on patrol with today told me. Apparently its of Greek origin. I’m Mark Winne, Channel 2 Action News. Emphasis on ‘action,’ by the way.”

Atlanta Braces for SNOW MY GOD! 2014 (Special Catastrophic Edition)

I have offered “SNOW MY GOD! 2014” to my local news contacts free of charge. So far no station has adopted it as a winter storm theme. But someone will.

For locals, please be aware that this storm has the potential to be CATASTROPHIC. We know this because the National Weather Service said so as the storm approached. And now it is the only word local newscasters say. Brenda Wood on WXIA must’ve said “catastrophic” 31 times in the opening minute of the 11 o’clock news last night. It reminded me of this scene from The Aviator, when Leonardo DiCaprio portrays Howard Hughes in the early stages of descent into mental illness, obsessively repeating “show me all the blueprints.”

I do not make light of the storm’s potential. As an Atlanta native, I’ve seen firsthand for decades how bad we are at snow. Hell, last weekend Nashville got a half-inch of snow and traffic in Atlanta ground to a halt. (That did not actually happen.) Godspeed, hometown.

Georgia DOT Finally Solves the Mystery of Atlanta’s Snow Traffic Disaster

Astute.

Snow Way!

In other news, the Atlanta PD reports that murders are affecting the murder rate.

Great to see that after 10 days the Ga. DOT is finally getting a handle on the snow gridlock. Some consultant surely made a lot of money to draw this conclusion.

And to clarify the semantically clumsy news graphic: The DOT isn’t suggesting that dense traffic made more snow fall. What the DOT is proclaiming is actually much more brazen in its obviousness. After 10 days of analysis, the DOT has determined that traffic made the traffic worse. We knew at 1 p.m. that Tuesday that releasing everyone onto the highways at once created staggering gridlock. Of course that’s what created a disaster as darkness and more snow fell.

“Well, snow started falling, then everyone got on the roads and they became gridlocked. Then, more snow. Sorry your kid spent the night on a bus.”

Can We Really Learn Lessons from Our Elders? Depends

Today I got my haircut and as I was paying, I noticed an older couple, probably both at least 80. The woman had just finished getting her hair done. As she approached the front of the salon, her husband stood up from the chair where he had waited and stepped toward her. He put his hands on the outsides of her shoulders and looked at her and said, “Wow, your hair really looks beautiful.” His sweet, genuine gesture toward his wife happily startled me, and I smiled.

They shuffled slowly toward the door to leave, and then suddenly stopped, blocking the way. I stood behind them and I heard him ask if her if she was ok. He put his hand on the small of her back. At the same time, she reached back and sort of tugged at the back of her pants and said, “I just peed.”

I wouldn’t share this story if the punchline were just an old lady pissing herself. Her response was so direct and unaffected that it was unquestionably hilarious, if only because it was so disarmingly unexpected. But I immediately felt this mortified, helpless sympathy–the poor, darling old woman had just wet herself on a day out with her husband.

They stepped outside and I walked kinda slowly toward my car and looked back. I’m not sure what possible help I could’ve provided, but I just wanted to see if she seemed alright. And funny thing, they were just talking, and kinda laughing. I was close enough to hear them discussing where to go next. It occurred to me that she was well equipped for incontinence. She wasn’t humiliated in telling her husband she peed; she was merely informing him. She was like, “Fuck it, I’m 82 and I love you so I’ll put on my goddamned diaper and we’ll spend the day together.” And I got the feeling this was their attitude all the time. So, I’ve been in the most delightedly hopeful mood all day ever since. Thank you, old people.

Scoop! Here’s What Will Happen at Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

Our containseggs reporters in Sochi have averted the horror of Bob Costas’ infected yuck eye and scored the first major scoop of the 2014 WInter Olympic Games. Here is what the world will see during the Opening Ceremonies tomorrow:

A shirtless Vladimir Putin will chug a liter of vodka, wrestle a giant bear until it submits to ride a tricycle, eat a 92-ounce rare moose steak and then impregnate an athlete from the Russian female cross country skiing team.

You heard it here first.

NBC Really Goes All Out with Building Tribute to Departing Jay Leno

I guess the building wasn’t big enough to spell out “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.” Ok, thx.

Could you get the lights on the way out?

The going away cake said “We Love You Jay Lemo!”