Dear CNN: Rodman Doesn’t Count as an Exclusive if No One Else Wants Him On

CNN delivers again with this hard-hitting exclusive top story. The Peabody folks are actually starting to take back previous awards from CNN. The worst thing is that this has become standard for the editorial culture there. No one even recognizes how embarrassing it is.

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Toyota a Surprising Winner in Justin Bieber DUI. Also, CNN Still Sucks.

Fortuitous ad timing and placement for Toyota on CNN.com.

Canada's Worst Import

2016′s Top Commentator on World’s Dumbest

Bieber actually makes me nostalgic for the days when Canada sent us Anne Murray.

Also, isn’t one of the N’s in CNN supposed to stand for “News”?

Getting Roger Ailes’ Good Side Probably is a Tough Photo Assignment

CNN continues to annoy with its growing adoption of BuzzFeed-style numbered list click baiting, here with the “Top 5 Things” learned from a new unauthorized biography of polarizing Fox News chief Roger Ailes. CNN chose this amusingly unflattering closeup of Ailes, in which he looks like Glenn Beck inflated into a parade float.

roger ailesI hope for author Gabriel Sherman’s sake that the rest of the book delivers more than CNN culls here. This top 5 list informs us that Ailes is an extremely influential Republican who runs a transparently biased news channel. Start the presses!

Here’s a much more interesting perspective on Ailes from The Hollywood Reporter. Love or hate him, he’s an interesting interview. Here’s Ailes on Rachel Maddow:

“I think Rachel Maddow has been a surprise to a lot of people. She wouldn’t really work at this network because she wouldn’t even come in the door, but on a personal level, I like her. I don’t want to hurt her career, so I won’t say we get along, but I’ve had dialogue with her, and she’s very smart. She has adapted well to the television medium.”

This is CNN (Warning: The post contains distasteful Miley Cyrus content)

I want to like CNN. As an Atlanta native it wounds me personally to see crazy Ted Turner’s once proud news empire rudderless and foundering. Recent high-profile reporting blunders and questionable editorial calls haven’t helped matters. But I at least like some of what they’ve tried since Jeff Zucker showed up to run things. Anthony Bourdain’s hyper-promoted show is as interesting an hour as any of the news channels broadcasts (although it’s still not exactly news). His visit to Libya was flat-out fascinating.

But, you know, this:

This Is CNN

Surely there are some actual news-minded editors at CNN who are ready to just give up. How thoroughly embarrassing that Miley Cyrus’s skank dance at the VMA’s is the breathless top news item on CNN.com. Right down to the triple-question-marked tabloid “She did what???” headline. You’re making it hard to root for you, CNN.

UPDATE: By the way, I was kidding about the “distasteful Miley Cyrus content.” I consider any Miley Cyrus content to be distasteful. We haven’t gone prude here at containseggs.

UPDATE NO. 2: Wow, The Onion rips CNN.com to shreds for this in a hilarious phony editorial. Outstanding.

The containseggs 2012 Oscar Recap

As we observed tonight’s three-hour time-release Ambien awards show:

  • Breaking News: French filmmakers surrender Oscars for The Artist.
  • Really? Jethro Tull wins for best actress? Come on!
  • Last victim on the death reel? The Oscars.
  • Breaking News: Nick Nolte responds to his inclusion in the Oscar death reel.
  • What a shocking twist that M. Night Shyamalan directed The Artist. Did not see that coming.
  • The Oscars suck and celebrities are stupid and not funny and we’re the real stars on Twitter and I’m sad now and going to bed. 😦
  • I just hope Angelina makes it through the Death Reel.
  • That’s awesome that Bret Michaels won. Poison Forever!
  • They really need to kill some celebrities in live time during the “In Memoriam” to pick things up tonight.
  • I’m starting to think Nicolas Cage totally deserved his Oscar, and probably a couple more. #FireGhostWeirdSuckStillInTheaters
  • I can’t wait until Nick Nolte sings The Gambler.
  • I can’t WAIT for Billy Crystal to star in the Golden Girls movie reboot.
  • Is this Occupy Wall Street? I’m so confused.
  • Is the Academy mad at us? What did we do to deserve this?
  • Oh thank god for this Wizard of Oz focus group. #Redemption
  • It’s so cool that ABC broadcast this rehearsal of the Oscars.
  • I can’t believe they’ve let Chris Brown perform two montages. #DontForget
  • That’s true of so many important moments in my life. / RT @aimeemann: Watching the Oscars. Justin Bieber is the highlight so far.
  • I’ve never been more excited about the NBA.
  • Is this CSPAN?
  • Did anyone else catch that glimpse of Nick Nolte tongue kissing Leonard Nimoy in the balcony?
  • Whitney Houston died for this?
  • Hey, when does this Billy Crystal infomercial end and the Oscars(TM) start?
  • Don’t be so sure./ RT @thesulk The Oscars may suck but at least they won’t end with Tom Brady on his ass.
  • Woody Harrelson kicked ASS in the Slam Dunk contest last night. #Oscars #NBAAllStars
  • Surprising choice to have Nick Nolte sing the national anthem to kick things off. #Oscars
  • Albert Nobbs is a man? Come on!
  • RT @aimeenancygrace I’m sitting down at Safeway eating a peanut butter sandwich because I’m hypoglycemic. #Oscars
  • Kelly Osbourne’s hair is the color of ditto ink from when I was in elementary school. #FewPeopleWillGetThis #AhhhhTheSmell
  • Melanie Griffin looks like the old sunbathing woman from Something About Mary

No-good credit hoarders at L.A. Times Tech blog “scoop” the news that @peanutfreemom is satire

We demand that the  L.A. Times Tech blog give our fledgling little nonsense journal here some credit where it’s due. We told you eight days ago that Twitter phenomenon @peanutfreemom, suburban she-beast of sanctimony, was really just a brilliantly conceived satire.

Now, eight days late and, uh, 160 nickels short, the L.A. Times Technology blog gets wise and “uncovers” the brilliant ruse without so much as a nod to containseggs.com. Containseggs calls on our dozens of daily visitors to rise up in unified protest! Let’s flood the L.A. Times blog post with firmly worded, mildly aggravated comments demanding (or at least politely requesting) some credit for breaking the truth about @peanutfreemom first!

In fact, we’ll send a containseggs t-shirt to the three people who post at the L.A. Times blog supporting our request for recognition on the Debra Jones-O’Brien story. (We don’t actually have any containseggs t-shirts printed yet, so it will most likely be a slightly used but freshly washed undershirt.) Rally for justice!

UPDATE: So far, the containseggs nation has underwhelmed. But we are confident you’ll step up and demand that Deborah Netburn and the L.A. Times tech blog give us some props. We’re trying to start a movement here! Wait, that did come out right. Neither did that.

Pack of Weiners: The best Weiner news headlines of the week

Best week ever for headline editors. We are unashamed juveniles and have collected some of our favorite actual Weinergate headlines from the Web the past couple of weeks:

And perhaps the final word:

Spanking a Johnson

OK, this is six years old, and a strange way to kick things off, but it amuses us. Here’s a 2005 email exchange with former NY Post Page Six gossip twit Richard Johnson.

The background: Johnson got busted on a media site for “reporting” a story about Denzel Washington making a huge donation to a military hospital. Johnson (tee-hee) lifted the item verbatim from a chain letter. Then, on that media site, he posted a totally lame defense of his plagiarism. So we sent him an email, and we had this exchange:

—–Original Message—–
From: containseggs[mailto:ivan@containseggs.com]
Sent: 6/24/05 10:14 AM
To: Johnson, Richard
Subject: Your Lame Response to Mr. Soriano
No, you didn’t choose to report something that “had become the subject of a chain letter,” you simply copied the content of the chain letter and reported it. Including the “quote” from a “source” that’s verbatim from the chain letter. And subsequent queries found that Mr. Washington did not write a check on the spot, but later made a large donation. You’re lazy, and Cesar Soriano is right, and your response makes you look like a bigger idiot.

“Johnson, Richard” <RJohnson@nypost.com> wrote:

I can tell from your tone you are an idealogue.

1) Washington visited the base

2) Washington made a big donation

3) This act of generositry and patriotism was ignored by the mainstream liberal press.

The rest is nit-picking and name-calling.

There is a reason why you don’t have your own column.

—–Original Message—–
From: containseggs[mailto:ivan@containseggs.com]
Sent: 7/5/05 9:57 AM
To: Johnson, Richard
Subject: RE: Your Lame Response to Mr. Soriano

I just noticed your reply. My email filter had wisely routed it to the Junk folder.

So, you think it’s nit-picking to call you out for plagiarizing a chain email that reported dubious facts. The fact that some of the material was ultimately true makes you no less lazy. You didn’t check facts. You didn’t even have an original thought.

And perhaps it was name calling to call you an idiot. It’s not reckless name calling, however, because it’s based on objective observation, validated further by your childish, partially coherent response. You are an idiot.

As far as me being an “idealogue,” I’m not sure what you mean. An idealogue is a theorist, or someone given to fanciful thinking. There was nothing fanciful in my email; I simply noted that you were disingenuous in your defense and a lazy reporter, both observations supported by facts.

Perhaps you meant “ideologue,” which means someone who advocates a certain ideology. In that case, I’m guilty—I advocate that journalists should not steal content from chain letters, pass it off verbatim as their own (including sources) without bothering to check facts, and then engage in an ongoing childish, spurious defense when caught.

The reason I don’t have my own column? I have another job and I’ve never aspired to be a columnist. Thanks for keeping the bar low in case I change my mind.

“Johnson, Richard” <RJohnson@nypost.com> wrote:

get a life

—–Original Message—–
From: containseggs[mailto:ivan@containseggs.com]
Sent: 7/5/05 11:42 AM
To: Johnson, Richard
Subject: RE: Your Lame Response to Mr. Soriano

Ouch, that really stung. You employ a crafty satirical wit in pure Swiftian tradition. Whose nephew are you to possibly remain employed?

Super!
Dick