Author Archives: Doug Walker

SNOW MY GOD! 2014 Update: WSB TV’s Mark Winne Submits This Awful Reporting, For Your Consideration

Posted on by
4

We have a serious early contender for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting from WSB’s Mark Winne, interviewing Georgia National Guard members.

First of all, it’s unclear why he protects himself against the harsh conditions by dressing as a 1940s gumshoe.

And the usually hard-hitting investigative reporter seems to feel like he’s slumming by doing storm duty. So he artificially interjects Serious Newsman Drama into the interview, to hilarious effect. Here’s the transcript of the interview with National Guard Specialist Lucinda Jamerson:

Winne: “So you’ve been out on the roads, uh, in a Humvee?”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “Uh, you helped move a blocked tree off Atlanta Road.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Winne: “You saw a flipped over car.”

Jamerson: “Yes sir.”

Now, after wearing down her defenses with obvious observations, Winne goes in for the kill:

Winne: “Why are you out here?”

Honestly. “Why are you out here?” He just finished reciting to her a list of things that she was doing out there, barely giving her time to respond. Then he HOLDS HER ACCOUNTABLE for justifying her role in the storm response.

Winne clearly wasn’t actually trying to trip her up or call her out, but his rapid-fire ambush instincts make this otherwise air-filling news clip extra amusing.

To her credit, Jamerson rolled with Winne’s peculiar question and responded with a simple summary of her snow job:

Jamerson: “I’m out here doing what I’m supposed to do, as a Guard member, helping out the people, giving them what they need in these conditions.”

Remember, people, CATASTROPHIC. Be safe. 

UPDATE: Oh good lord, now Winne is “on patrol with the National Guard.” He just signed off with “Reporting live from a Humvee.”

Winne The Gumshoe

UPDATE 2: We have another strong candidate for Most Inane Winter Storm Reporting, this time from WXIA. We don’t have video, but my brother shared this: “We just watched a Channel 11 reporter put his microphone up to the ice so that the viewers could hear it melting. That’s right, he actually interviewed the ice.”

UPDATE 3: Guys, Winne really just can’t help himself.

Unfortunately, this part of the report was cut off:

“By the way, for those of you not familiar with military terminology, a Humvee, which I was riding in the back of while reporting that story while on patrol with the National Guard, is short for ‘Hummus Vehicle.’ At least that’s what the Guard members I was on patrol with today told me. Apparently its of Greek origin. I’m Mark Winne, Channel 2 Action News. Emphasis on ‘action,’ by the way.”

Atlanta Braces for SNOW MY GOD! 2014 (Special Catastrophic Edition)

Posted on by
Reply

I have offered “SNOW MY GOD! 2014” to my local news contacts free of charge. So far no station has adopted it as a winter storm theme. But someone will.

For locals, please be aware that this storm has the potential to be CATASTROPHIC. We know this because the National Weather Service said so as the storm approached. And now it is the only word local newscasters say. Brenda Wood on WXIA must’ve said “catastrophic” 31 times in the opening minute of the 11 o’clock news last night. It reminded me of this scene from The Aviator, when Leonardo DiCaprio portrays Howard Hughes in the early stages of descent into mental illness, obsessively repeating “show me all the blueprints.”

I do not make light of the storm’s potential. As an Atlanta native, I’ve seen firsthand for decades how bad we are at snow. Hell, last weekend Nashville got a half-inch of snow and traffic in Atlanta ground to a halt. (That did not actually happen.) Godspeed, hometown.

Georgia DOT Finally Solves the Mystery of Atlanta’s Snow Traffic Disaster

Posted on by
Reply

Astute.

Snow Way!

In other news, the Atlanta PD reports that murders are affecting the murder rate.

Great to see that after 10 days the Ga. DOT is finally getting a handle on the snow gridlock. Some consultant surely made a lot of money to draw this conclusion.

And to clarify the semantically clumsy news graphic: The DOT isn’t suggesting that dense traffic made more snow fall. What the DOT is proclaiming is actually much more brazen in its obviousness. After 10 days of analysis, the DOT has determined that traffic made the traffic worse. We knew at 1 p.m. that Tuesday that releasing everyone onto the highways at once created staggering gridlock. Of course that’s what created a disaster as darkness and more snow fell.

“Well, snow started falling, then everyone got on the roads and they became gridlocked. Then, more snow. Sorry your kid spent the night on a bus.”

Can We Really Learn Lessons from Our Elders? Depends

Posted on by
Reply

Today I got my haircut and as I was paying, I noticed an older couple, probably both at least 80. The woman had just finished getting her hair done. As she approached the front of the salon, her husband stood up from the chair where he had waited and stepped toward her. He put his hands on the outsides of her shoulders and looked at her and said, “Wow, your hair really looks beautiful.” His sweet, genuine gesture toward his wife happily startled me, and I smiled.

They shuffled slowly toward the door to leave, and then suddenly stopped, blocking the way. I stood behind them and I heard him ask if her if she was ok. He put his hand on the small of her back. At the same time, she reached back and sort of tugged at the back of her pants and said, “I just peed.”

I wouldn’t share this story if the punchline were just an old lady pissing herself. Her response was so direct and unaffected that it was unquestionably hilarious, if only because it was so disarmingly unexpected. But I immediately felt this mortified, helpless sympathy–the poor, darling old woman had just wet herself on a day out with her husband.

They stepped outside and I walked kinda slowly toward my car and looked back. I’m not sure what possible help I could’ve provided, but I just wanted to see if she seemed alright. And funny thing, they were just talking, and kinda laughing. I was close enough to hear them discussing where to go next. It occurred to me that she was well equipped for incontinence. She wasn’t humiliated in telling her husband she peed; she was merely informing him. She was like, “Fuck it, I’m 82 and I love you so I’ll put on my goddamned diaper and we’ll spend the day together.” And I got the feeling this was their attitude all the time. So, I’ve been in the most delightedly hopeful mood all day ever since. Thank you, old people.

Scoop! Here’s What Will Happen at Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

Posted on by
Reply

Our containseggs reporters in Sochi have averted the horror of Bob Costas’ infected yuck eye and scored the first major scoop of the 2014 WInter Olympic Games. Here is what the world will see during the Opening Ceremonies tomorrow:

A shirtless Vladimir Putin will chug a liter of vodka, wrestle a giant bear until it submits to ride a tricycle, eat a 92-ounce rare moose steak and then impregnate an athlete from the Russian female cross country skiing team.

You heard it here first.

NBC Really Goes All Out with Building Tribute to Departing Jay Leno

Posted on by
Reply

I guess the building wasn’t big enough to spell out “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.” Ok, thx.

Could you get the lights on the way out?

The going away cake said “We Love You Jay Lemo!”

Dear CNN: Rodman Doesn’t Count as an Exclusive if No One Else Wants Him On

Posted on by
Reply

CNN delivers again with this hard-hitting exclusive top story. The Peabody folks are actually starting to take back previous awards from CNN. The worst thing is that this has become standard for the editorial culture there. No one even recognizes how embarrassing it is.

20140131-091302.jpg

This is What it Sounds Like: Birds of Satan Assault the Pope’s Peace Doves

Posted on by
Reply

How horrible of a person am I to find this absolutely hilarious?

When Doves Cry

When Doves Cry

This now becomes my second favorite news photo involving a bird. The still reigning champion: Fabio roller coaster goose collision. Classic.

I can't believe that goose flutters

I can’t believe that goose flutters

Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho: Food for the Statutory Rapist on the Go!

Posted on by
2

This commercial has annoyed and amused me for a month or so. Taco Bell introduced a new foodstuff envelope called the Grilled Stuft Nacho. The ad makes scant mention of what’s in it or what it tastes like, focusing instead on portability as its most desirable characteristic.

So, who does Taco Bell think this on-the-go edible nacho purse would appeal to? Perhaps the businessman seeking a quick bite on his way to a meeting across town? Maybe the mom with the kids in the car coming home from soccer practice?

Well, no. Taco Bell has a different demographic in mind: The high school kid who’s fucking your daughter. In the ad, we see an older teen boy in close up, running frantically in slow motion. He looks back over his shoulder and then we see a father, slobbering with rage as he pursues the teen down a sleepy residential street. The voiceover says what we couldn’t otherwise believe Taco Bell would want us to think: “Why would you ever need to eat nachos on the go? Let’s say her parents came home early.”

Is this really the brand identity Taco Bell wants?

“Once you’ve stuft her taco, grab that Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho you keep handy by the window for your hasty departure. You’ll need all the energy you can get to escape a brutal assault at the hands of a maniacally enraged dad who just caught you sexually violating his daughter.

And what young predator has time to sit down for a meal? You’re going to be busy pumping your young date full of Fireball shots, just in case your AXE Body Spray sex cloud doesn’t completely overwhelm her defenses.

And at just $1.29, you’ll have allowance money left over to buy those Roofies from your uncle Randy who drives a van. Taco Bell!”

Hey, CNN, When Are You Going to Resume News Coverage? Please Answer in the Form of a Numbered List

Posted on by
1

It’s a tough week to be CNN. A year into Jeff Zucker’s stewardship, CNN founders, suffering 20-year ratings lows this week. It has less identity as a network than ever. Zucker promises to maintain a focus on hard news while expanding scripted, documentary and reality programming. You know, keep throwing stuff at the wall until something sticks.

Some of that programming works and gets ratings, most notably Anthony Bourdain’s “Parts Unknown,” which collected two Emmys last fall. And I say they were well deserved; the episode that explored Libya provided a more fascinating and truly human understanding of the post-Gadhafi life and culture than any news network could capture these days.

CNN also created buzz and big ratings with Blackfish, a compelling look at the deadly history of captive whales and their trainers at Sea World and other water parks.

But A&E, Discovery Channel, The History Channel and the Food Network have covered this territory for years. Can CNN really reestablish a distinctive brand as another network among the herd of documentary and reality programming?

Because the news part of CNN is bleak. We have already lamented CNN.com’s embarrassing, breathless click baiting when young celebrities misbehave. (And I’ll link again to The Onion’s hilarious evisceration of CNN.com for it here. As well as the pathetic defense by Variety‘s Andrew Wallenstein here.)

This week, CNN doubled down. I’m sure news editors are clearing Peabody shelf space for tonight’s hastily produced 30-minute shit chunk “Justin Bieber’s Wild Ride.”  Proud times, CNN.

In other news, news

This is CNN

While CNN pursues its desperate ratings heartthrob crush, it also announces the plank walk for 40 long-time actual journalism types across its networks. A CNN spokesperson reassures us that it is “expanding the definition of news” and will ultimately add 100 people this year.

I take this all personally because I’m an Atlanta native. I’m proud of crazy Ted Turner’s vision and tenacity in making CNN a reality and elevating Atlanta’s international status. I’m sure Ted is spinning in his practice grave, fashioned out of bison skins and old programs from Braves games.(Also, in a pointlessly snotty aside, Wolf Blitzer’s botox injections are starting to resemble breast implants.)
Wolf

I had a lot more complaints about CNN, but as I wrote they all just seemed like ideological attacks, which they’re not. I just miss the news. And to make sure this doesn’t seem like a pathological personal hatred for CNN, here’s the proudest moment in Bieber journalism, when Andrea Mitchell (!) interrupts a congresswoman mid-sentence in a serious discussion about the scope and boundaries of NSA surveillance.